The Teaspoon’s Lament

So I looked at my teaspoon. And my teaspoon looked at me. And I said, “How’s things?” And really. I wish I hadn’t asked.

The Teaspoon’s Lament

I sit here, used, and caked in grime,
And watch, as all the forks and knives
Dive in the sink for wash-up time –
How pampered are their shiny lives!
I hear the kettle boil with dread –
Could it be coffee? Is it tea?
It’s coffee. Yes, in goes my head…
I’m whirled round nauseatingly.

I gulp for air, but no! There’s more!
A teabag’s heading for a cup!
Here comes the dunking I abhor…
In out, in out, down up, down up!
You British! Once, reserved and hushed,
You made your tea with reverence!
And now, these teabags! Crushed and flushed
With bullying malevolence.

A rinse! What glory now awaits?
Oh curses. It’s a boiled egg.
Bang bang, crack crack – this bit I hate-
Oh, don’t mind me! it’s just my head!
But things get worse – as, come desert,
I’m grabbed again. Oh no, please not..
A small boy’s hand, all caked with dirt.
I shovel yoghurt through the snot.

My grandma was a christening spoon!
Respected! Hanging in a frame!
But I’m a puppet! Slave! Buffoon!
I shudder for the family name.
So use me! Hurt me! Boil my brain!
Don’t cry for me! I’m dead inside!
Through all this strife, I shall remain…
Steely, cold and dignified.

 

© Nina Parmenter 2018

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I Wish I Was An Octopus

A poem about octupuses. Because octopuses are spectactularly weird. And, if recent press is to be believed, are in fact aliens. Brilliant.

I Wish I Was An Octopus

I wish I was an octopus,
Way down in the depths of the sea,
With suckers so comical, face diabolical,
Kooky as kooky can be!

Hurray! Hurray! I’d be jetting away!
As I flunged through the shimbly sea,
Confounding all others by changing my colours,
An octopus’ life for me!

A cephalopod who looks awfully odd,
A freak with a beak, tee hee!
I’d never more moan, “ooh, the pain in me bones!”
Cos I’d be an invertebrate, see!

Hurray! Hurray! I’d be wafting away!
As I flooped through wurgly sea,
Squeezing through cracks with a curious knack,
An octopus’ life for me!

If you crossed me, I think I would squirt you with ink,
How I’d laugh as you scarpered from me!
I’d be sly, I’d be smart, but I’d have a great heart,
No – better than that… I’d have three!

Hurray! Hurray! I’d be creeping away,
As I scrundled down deep in the sea,
I’d not hunger for much – for I’d taste all I touched!
An octopus’ life for me!

Us humans are gringey, our lives dull and dingy,
What cloddery beings we be!
I’d rather be flexible, waving my tentacles,
Flubbering curiously!

Hurray! Hurray! I’m dreaming away,
Of a life in the glorpical sea,
As a creature of splendour, a freak show contender,
An octopus’ life for me!

 

© Nina Parmenter 2018

Like the poems? Why not follow me on Facebook www.facebook.com/parmenterpoetry or Twitter www.twitter.com/ninaparmenter?

Photo by Taylor Ann Wright on Unsplash