Ah, poor beleaguered estate agents. I’ve met some nice ones and some not-so-nice ones, but one thing NONE of them can resist is describing properties using those cheesy hackneyed phrases.

My personal favourite was in the description of a small property we sold a few years ago. The garage roof was transformed, by Estate-Agentese, into a “delightful outdoor terrace”. Magic!

So, while many of us know the lingo by now, here’s a quick poetic guide for those who may not!


Thinking of buying a house? I’m so pleased!
But first, I must teach you Estate-Agentese!
Estate agents, see, give some good information,
So long as, my friend, you can do some translation.

“A sought-after road in a popular area”,
(Everywhere else is more pricey or scarier)
“Local amenities easy to find!”
(Above a kebab place with rail tracks behind),
“In excellent decorative order throughout”,
(They painted the damp bits and touched up the grout),
“A beautiful garden, with large, well-stocked beds”,
(A postage stamp plot with some shrubs – mostly dead),

“A garage” (will house a mobility scooter),
“A study” (just room for a laptop computer),
“A lake” (a dry pond filled with brambles and nettles),
“A kitchenette” (space for a toaster and kettle),
“Priced for a quick sale” means somebody died there,
That, or there’s woodworm and dry rot inside there,
“In need of improvement” means stinking and vile,
And if they say “cosy”, then just run a mile!

Well, now you can speak some Estate-Agentese,
Go forth, my dear friend! And view properties!
And don’t look so worried; your prospects are rosy,
I’m sure, on your budget, you’ll find something “cosy”!


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