Tag: rhyme

The image above shows a genuine example of my parking.

In this case, I stepped out of the car, took in the results of my work, pointed and laughed at myself, and then took a photo.

But that’s not the end of my… er…. talents when it comes to motoring…

I’m Alright Driving Forwards, But I’m Awful In Reverse

I’m alright driving forwards, but I’m awful in reverse,
My turning skills are terrible, my parking skills are worse.
Whenever I move backwards, people hurry to disperse,
While someone calls a breakdown truck, a vicar – and a nurse.

I seem to lack the circuitry to know which way to steer,
And things are always closer than they actually appear,
Those parked beside me hover, as they sweat in mortal fear…
I fart about, the mean ones shout, the nice ones say… “oh dear.”

I’m terrified of places where the roads are single-track,
Cos a car might come the other way and force me to go back,
Careering blind from side to side, the hedges take a whack…
So please don’t swear, I WILL get there – I just don’t have the knack!

I’ve got a snazzy camera now, which shows me what’s behind,
It’s really great when going straight, but when I turn I find,
That I’m going left, the camera right, it makes my brain cells wind,
And a prang is much more likely with a whirling, swirling mind!

So I hit them in the car parks, and they hit me in the purse,
And I feel I’ll be afflicted with this mortifying curse,
Til the day they tell the driver as he parks my golden hearse…
That I’m alright driving forwards – but I’m awful in reverse.

 

© Nina Parmenter 2018

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There’s a rumble down at the old folks’ home…

Showdown

It’s time for a showdown!
I’m taking that ho down!
Screamed Dotty, crouched low down, fists ready to fight,
Then she pounced upon Martha,
Who’d stolen her Arthur,
And after, had laughed at her pitiful plight.

At their care home, Sea View,
As old Martha well knew,
The men were too few – well, in fact there was one!
Arthur’s love life was crazy –
he’d dabbled with Daisy,
Then Mavis, then Maisie, then Dot came along!

Martha flipped! With a whip,
And a click of her hip,
She landed a kick at the base of Dot’s spine.
Dotty reeled, back she wheeled!
Martha squealed, “Yield, bitch, yield!”
But Dotty yelled, “NEVER! Cos Arthur is mine!!!”

Dotty stood rocking,
In surgical stockings,
While Martha, still mocking, stared straight in her eye,
Dotty charged like a tank,
And delivered a spank,
To the flank of the skank who had taken her guy!

With a fine rugby tackle,
Deployed with a cackle,
Martha managed to whack all Dot’s teeth on the floor,
Riled and gummy,
Dot sold her a dummy,
Then landed a scrummy left hook on her jaw!

Martha, a-glimmer
With rage, grabbed a zimmer,
Dot’s chances grew slimmer – she backed off with dread,
Martha slipped on spilt tea!
Smack! The zimmer broke free,
And with hollers of glee, Dot sat down on her head!

“Surrender!” she cried,
As she sat there astride,
With her wide underside squashing Martha’s smug face,
“OK!” muttered Martha,
All muffled, “Keep Arthur!”
Then Dotty discharged her in utter disgrace.

With joy and with laughter,
Dot went to find Arthur,
But Arthur was faster than Martha or Dot,
She found him entwined,
With Matilda who whined,
“He just needs someone kind!” But a slap’s what he got.

Dot and Martha soon swore,
A swift end to their war,
Then they knocked Arthur’s door – just to make some amends.
And Arthur’s reaction?
“Hey girls! Double action!”
So now he’s in traction. And they’re best of friends.

 

©️Nina Parmenter 2018

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

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